Out of my Comfort Zone, again

                                                   ~ 96 weeks to my 'Tees' (30th) ~

The week started with another leap into the unknown - began my Paediatric ICU rotation this week.
I had completed 2 months of Children's Emergency and when I started that rotation, I had felt out of my comfort zone too and now again, PICU was not something I was honestly prepared for.

But I went in with an open mind, ready to learn and absorb whatever I could. Well, the colleagues were really kind and open hearted too! I learnt on the go but most humbling experience has got to be from the inner strength of the parents, of the ICU-admitted babies/children.

It made me value what I have even more than I already do. As a doctor, we see a lot of sickness, and death around us, day in, day out; and so, I always share with my family, how my perspective in life is often different from a lot of others obviously. Of course, if one were to follow my social media accounts, they'd know me as a family and friends person, celebrating small and big wins alike, loving my food, music, books, travels with my folks, and well, living life, maximizing in every way possible.

But the face they don't really get to see much is my work side. Being a full time resident-doctor and at the same time, raising my little one isn't the easiest. I have ample help thanks to my mother, who holds the fort while I'm away almost 12 hours a day. But often after a long day, when I'm back, I'm often tired and in need of some quiet. While most days aren't like these, but my low energy days, I could be my not-best self with my little one, if he's in his tantrum mode. And yet, if you were to ask my husband, he'd tell you that more often than not, I am the more giving, kinder parent while the father often chooses a more strict disciplining tone, to balance out parenting styles! Oh well, this PICU month only taught me to value my kid even more.

In my own defence, a two year old isnt easy either.
There are days he cries for no reasons; somedays he asks for milk and then stops drinking after a sip; he says hes hungry, but then he won't eat what's offered and he'd insist on chocolates? He behaves like a teenager, who wants his way, come what may, rebelling against the baby chair, and what not.

But my first week in PICU, taught me to throw a blind eye at all these tiny things that would often potentially exasperate me. I found in me a deep well of gratitude for a life, where I really have no complaints. I found utmost respect for the parents I was dealing with and the week taught me deeper empathy, as a doctor who's also a mother. I valued the fun and good times with Ayaan, which far outweigh the cranky times and found beauty in whatever little time we got to spend together.

After a 30hr+ duty, mid week, I took the little one out to play - we had fun at the ball pit (where he asked me 'not to juggle' - reinforcing my philosophy of doing things, one at a time, with full attention and love), riding a train under the starry sky and posing with the huge Christmas tree and reindeers. I was physically tired after the ICU call, but mentally so refreshed and charged, by his laughter, his loving smile, his gleamy eyes and his endless enthusiasm.

I've always been the kind of a mother, filling in my non-work hours with family activities/outings, sometimes, as a measure to deal with my #workingmomguilt, but as a fellow doctor-mom said to her toddler (yes! I was eavesdropping), "Somebody has to look after the sick kids here! You enjoy with your father now, I'll see you tomorrow!" I realised I should throw whatever little guilt I was harbouring, out of the window - and just feel privileged. For the Universe doesn't hand to us anything beyond what we are capable of handling - so everything is meant to be. Just like I shall get past this phase, so will Ayaan grow out of it... With time, we'll get comfortable.