Working Mom

~84 weeks to my 'Tees'(30th)~

This week was tough. I had mostly back to back evening shifts, and some commitments prior to or after my shifts which meant lesser time with Ayu through the day; and more guilt piling up.

This is not something new that I've had to deal with; even back when I had just resumed work, after my maternity leave, I remember silent tears rolling down my cheeks, which I swiftly wiped off, while inconspicuously traversing in the crowded MRT .. after a few months, Ayu was actually quite sweet and he would wish me well at the door, as I stepped out.
But things have changed since then.

Ayaan being a 2+ year old, has grown a mind of his own - and a big heart, full of big emotions. After the good morning hug, his first words nowadays are "Amma, no work"; I've tried various explanations including "I work, then we get money, then I can buy you cupcakes and lollipops!" - Epic Fail that was, 'cause he immediately retorted with "Don't want cupcakes! I want Amma!!" followed by a lot of bawling, which obviously tore my heart into a million more pieces. Sigh.

I battled everyday, and these are the softer battles, fought with one's own self and nothing anybody says can actually make one feel better. A lot of people tried though, to their credit. Prantik would even send me sweet pictures of Ayu playing, colouring and such - though it would make my heart lighter, knowing that he had forgotten all the drama from earlier, and was happily engaged in fun activities, with his dad - sometimes, that would add on to the guilt too - "Why wasn't I there...?"

But then, as Prantik pointed out very aptly - I was saving precious lives. Indeed - work was rather busy but fulfilling that week - so that helped me see beyond; and slowly but steadily, I crawled out of the deep dungeon of WorkingMom'sGuilt.
I am a mom, but I also am a doctor, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a person on my own ...
I probably measure myself against my mom, who gave 100% of her time and energy, in raising us children - and I finally realised times had changed since and I should refrain from such comparisons. While there is no way I can do what she did (be a stay-at-home mom and a rocking one that too!), simply because, I love what work I do - it most certainly is my Ikigai; at the same time, knowing that I'm giving my best, also makes me feel better. When I'm home, my phone is away, I engage fully with my little one and make every effort to make up for the time lost (if that were even possible!?). I often sacrifice me-time too (not too healthy in the long run) to spend more time with Ayaan. For there's nothing that gets me as high an endorphin rush as simply hugging, rolling and kissing my toddler. And so for now, other things can wait. I use the time when he's at playschool to catch up on stuff that I need to do; and sometimes, I let my hair down and just chill, maybe catch a drink with the ladies, go for a jog/do some yoga or just befittingly binge watch "Working Moms" on Netflix. For one can't love another if you don't love yourself first right?


The weekend was here soon enough; and celebration party#2 was slated that Saturday evening, with our other group of friends, aboard a yacht. We anchored at the Lazarus island, the HappyBoys popped some champagne, we munched on chicken drumlets and thin crust pizza, while watching the glazing sun disappear over calm waters. I held on tight to my toddler, who was slightly freaking out as the boat sped against crashing waters, and salty seawater splashed all over us - he eased out shortly and smiled away, in my arms; it was a perfect culmination to the week indeed. Deep within, I prayed dear Ayu would forgive me one day, and that he'll understand why I do what I do; and as he grows up, he'll love whatever it is he does (just the way I do) and know deep within, that Amma loves him so so much, way beyond the horizon; all my guilt thus, I dropped into the ocean - and I just soaked in the moment - toasting to milestones, to doing our best, to friendship, to happiness.