The Miracle - with the racing heart ❤️

So from the day of the first scan, we were more conscious of days and weeks. Physically, nothing much had changed except for no periods (yaay!) and well, slightly heavier and tender breasts perhaps, thanks to the pregnancy hormones. So, life continued, pretty much as normal for the first 4 weeks atleast, since 5.2.16. 

I was working at the time, in one of the busiest Emergency Medicine departments in the country. Being central in location, it catered to a vast population and thus, the place was crowded, all the time! The trolleys were strewn around, and it wasn't easy to move between patients. But, I felt pretty much normal and continued to work as normal, with just as much zest, through my shifts.

And when not working, we caught up with friends and with the latest movies. Over brunch one weekend, we broke the news to our gang of friends. 

(i) We had made the downpayment on our new home-to-be.

(ii) I had made it to the residency programme.

(iii) Dipti is pregnant! (Whoa! What?!)

The elated husband even surprised me post night shift, to a staycation at Park Royal. We swam in the evening, in the infinity pool and had some yummy chicken rice at night, while watching TV from our king size bed. 

We focussed on making time for ourselves and  the tiny ball of cells, which was growing constantly and exponentially - from being the size of a sesame seed at 5weeks, to the size of a lentil, blueberry, kidney bean and a grape, at weeks 6,7,8 and 9 respectively. We went for morning/evening strolls, enjoying the pleasant breeze (also a Chinese New Year tradition for us) and we even ensured we meditated often, even if 'twas just before falling asleep, in our dark bedroom, lit only by the yellow moon above.

2 weeks after the first scan, we had our appointment at the government hospital. And the doppler scan did pick up the heartbeat this time - which meant 'twas a viable pregnancy. Medical jargon aside, if all went well, we'd be parents in another 30 odd weeks! But the wonder of the world, was the sound of the little one's racing heartbeat ❤️ And even when we look back, the thought that the two of us made another, from scratch, is still incredible. The wonders of nature are indeed unbelievably beautiful, to say the least. 

The Miracle - Confirmed

When the sun rose that morning, the rays seemed brighter yet gentler. That kind of happens when you're happy yet unsure of what to do! And well, when it all seems like you're still dreaming. Mornings  usually started with us sharing our schedules, over coffee, determining when we could head out, catch the next movie running at one of the GV theatres etc but that day, we were on our devices, calling for an appointment with a gynaecologist! Never thought, we'd be doing this, so early in our marriage, to be honest! As most young couples, we too intended to spend atleast two years, just the two of us (given our age gap and our respective careers, we desired to be parents before the husband turned 35 and for medical reasons, before I turned 30, the former being earlier). But as the adage goes, 'when we are busy "planning", God is having a good laugh up there!'

So the first thing to be done after a positive pregnancy test, is to confirm the pregnancy by means of an ultrasound; which is why we were calling to secure an appointment. When we called the government hospital, the earliest appointment was over 2 weeks later! Who on earth can contain their nerves until then?! So we called up a private hospital and got an appointment, a couple of days later. 

But boy! Her reviews online were bad! Yes, as a patient I fell prey to the exact same thing, that I vehemently oppose, as a doctor - doctor ratings! Pran, my husband, still holds it against me but oh well, she also had a cold, unflattering face (maybe she required a better photographer or photoshop perhaps) and I wouldn't want my infant to be greeted by that, the first time he/she arrives! Anyways, what this meant was we were back at square one. 

Luckily, when I revealed about my potential pregnancy to my new friend at work, she was elated of course, and suggested that I could visit her mother, who's a gynaecologist! Talk about coincidences! And thus, 2 days later, we were at her mother's clinic. Greeted by a warm smile, she asked a few questions and soon, I had cold gel on my lower abdominal/pelvic area and there it was - the gestational sac! But umm, no heart beat. According to the ultrasound, I was 5 weeks pregnant, which is too early to pick the heartbeat - which meant I needed another scan anyway, 1-2weeks later, to assess for viability. But for the moment, it was confirmed. "We were  pregnant!" or as my husband would break the news later on, "Dipti is pregnant!"

Just as we stepped out of the clinic, waiting outside for our Uber ride, I was on the verge of FaceTime-ing my mum, when I received a call, telling me that I had made it into the Emergency Medicine residency program! 

5.2.16 - It's a double 7 (5+2=1+6=7) and I always liked '7' and I like to think, it's even lucky for me, if such things exist! Irrespective, Lady Luck was indeed, smiling at me! I was obviously exuberant, Pran and I couldn't wipe that grin off our silly faces and when I called mum to tell her the two big updates, I could hear her jumping in joy, tears streaming down in sheer gratitude.

I honestly wasn't sure which made me happier! Both were so unreal and surreal. 

Later that evening, we sat under the moonlight, in silent meditative surrender, sending thankful vibes to the Universe. And even with closed eyes, we could see just one thing - within that black and white image, that tiny little ball of cells, which was just about the size of a sesame seed, quietly growing within my womb...our creation, our miracle. 

The end of "confinement"

It's unbelievable the rate at which time speeds by. There ought to be a speed limit! But then who will fine who?

Anyways, point being 6 weeks+ have passed since I gave birth to my baby boy, after an arduous labour process that lasted nearly 48hrs! The days immediately following that life-changing event are rather blurred in my memory. The sheer exhaustion that wiped over me was clearly something I wasn't expecting. After the adrenaline of the first few days dies down, and the post-partum hormones hit you with a rage like none other, there is no controlling one's emotions - a true roller coaster ride this. (More about this in another post)

When we hit the 6weeks mark, signalling the end of the "confinement" period, I felt physically and emotionally so much better; but what made this day worth blogging about, wasn't something I did, but instead was about how the little one set me 'free'...

 

To begin with, I was very fortunate that #AyuBabu (oh yes, that's his social identity 😜) latched onto my breast very well, right from our first skin-to-skin bonding time; and thanks to the experienced care from my mothers, I was producing milk right from the start. Exclusive breastmilk feeding for the first 6 months of life is recommended for all newborns (except in certain medical conditions). But for mothers expected to go back to work, we need to initiate bottled breastmilk feeds after a month (not earlier, in order to avoid nipple confusion). So by 5 weeks, I started pumping out breastmilk and my mother (who's helping us look after the newborn) was handed over the task of initiating bottle-feeds! There were 2-3 failed attempts over the last week, leaving the little one completely annoyed, wailing at the top of his voice, and me, a tad bit upset and nervous at the same time...

But uber thanks to my mum's sheer perseverance, that afternoon, after the initial resistance, there was silence - when I went to peep in - the little one was sucking at the bottle and having his first successful bottle-feed!! The little one is indeed growing up too fast... Tears welled up and even though I was elated at this development, a small piece of my heart was rather heavy - to see your baby step up and get ever so slightly away from you is an oxymoronic moment of melancholy and prideful happiness...

That evening's twilight skyscape (as witnessed from our balcony) was one to behold indeed. 

To mark the end of "confinement"

A sliver of the blue and gold sky

The railings can contain me no longer

A carefree soul, my free spirit shall fly

Another new phase of my life kickstarted that evening, by just the reassuring act of my baby bottle-feeding. It sure did make me realise that babies are really fast learners, but more importantly, reinforced the fact that with patience and love, nothing is impossible. 

The Miracle - As it hit us

I do have irregular periods sometimes, thanks to stress/hormones/whatever, so that is the reason why I hadn't peed on the stick earlier. In fact, the queasiness I felt, was conveniently blamed on some leftover take-away biryani I had had and the general tiredness, was well obviously because, I was working longer, more hectic shifts, and I was just recovering from a bad flu. But even doctors can be wrong sometimes, y'know! So, out of the blue, that evening, between seeing patients, on a loo break, I decided to do the urine pregnancy test.

Holy smokes! Like lightning out of the blue - thunderstruck! It was positive. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I did it a second time. Positive, yet again! Ok, I was getting light headed and I headed up for dinner, which the hospital thoughtfully provides. I have no idea how I sat through it. I so badly wanted to call my husband up, but I knew this crazy news had to be shared in person! So, I calmed my nerves and took deep breaths, while trying to quieten the butterflies in the stomach, and went through the rest of my shift, as though nothing had changed.

But of course, it had. My feet were unsteady as I traced my steps back home around midnight. I woke the slumberous husband up and showed him the stick (which I had preserved, in a "BioHazard" bag!) For starters, he had no idea, if it was positive or negative :P So, I just told him, and he went all "Huh?!" He snapped out of the disbelief soon enough and hugged me and carried me and what not! He clearly was thrilled! But because I had had some more time to process it, I was crazy nervous already!

Nonetheless, we decided to break the unconfirmed news to our parents. They were surprised of course, to receive a call at that hour and the first thing my mum told me jokingly was "OMG! I am so not ready to be a grandma!" And my in-laws were excited as well, considering it was just a few months since Prantik's maternal grandmother, Didun had endowed us with a beautiful Baal Krishna idol (which in Hindu culture comes with the blessing of "fertility and children").

And thus we went to bed that night...reeling in incredulity and yet in silent gratitude, for the miracle that had just begun to unfold in our lives.

Of course the pregnancy had to be confirmed and all; and in our final year of medicine, we've all answered questions on positive pregnancy tests and the causes etc. It could be any of the other complicated things, which require medical attention; but here, I was fairly well, so maybe, just maybe, God willing, it was none of those and we were in for a crazy adventure, tomorrow onwards! But for now, let's call it a good night! Damn! Can't even cheers to that 🍷

  

Love at first sight

So, the last I blogged was at the beginning of the year. And then, out of the blue, God (yes, if I am a believer in miracles, I ought to have stronger faith in the Higher Force meting 'em out to me) decided to drop in a seed within my womb!

And bam, fast forward 9 calendar months - and I have a miracle baby boy handed to me in the wee hours of 26th September, 2016. That Monday, was only magical and surreal to say the least, sans any blues.

There's so much to share, to chronicle about the journey that lead to the birth of our little wonder, and the 6 weeks of "confinement" that followed. 

As I type this out, the little one, who we've named Ayaan, is sleeping in blissful oblivion, in his classic 'Gerua' style (Shah Rukh's outstretched arms pose) while I've just put down Jhumpa Lahiri's "In Other Words" - if I can't go outdoors much, nothing should stop me from traveling and transporting myself to another world, as painted by a bestselling author right? 

Ah! The sheer joy hidden in words and lines; faces and smiles :)

Reading; and a recent first meeting with a 'lover of the written word', as she likes to introduce herself as (she had kind words to say about my previous blogposts) rekindled the spark and the itch to write - and of course, the constant nudging by my husband to ressurect this blogging space - landed me here. 

So, here I am. Hoping that I can make the most of the remaining five months or so left of my maternity leave, before I head back to work. While I hope to exclusively feed the newborn, "liquid gold" (as breast milk is fondly called) until then, I also wish to read loads and blog about all the wonderful memories that we weave together. For what is life if not a string of moments - the bad ones leave us with experience, and the good ones, reach the hippocampus, without a doubt. 

Thank you for all the support :) 

Voyage of a lifetime

Over a couple months ago, I undertook a small voyage of sorts, with my husband, to visit his maternal grandma. Over 80 years of age, she is so gorgeous and beautiful, inside out. With a lifetime of experience backing her, she's seen her life transform literally from riches to rags and back up again. Her story has touches of royalty, disloyalty and everything else that one could possibly fathom. Yet, she remains rooted and is happy with herself; and has found her peace in this home, where other older people, like her, spend their days, in good cheer, together; some even breathing their last.

We flew from Singapore, spent the night in Kolkata, took the train to Berhampore, a cycle rickshaw till the banks of river Ganges, a boat ride across the holy river and finally lugged our bags, on foot, to reach that blessed home - Ananda Niketan.

Grandma or Didun (Bengali term for maternal grandmother), was eagerly waiting at the doorsteps for our arrival. She showed us our room and then took us around, and introduced us to her friends, with utmost joy and pride, even! Last but not the least, she took us to her own room, which she has set up with much love; each corner has a memory, in the form of a photograph, in black and white or a souvenir from elsewhere; she has a prayer corner, a fridge, a TV even. She has a cupboard where she keeps the rest of her stuff, which with passing time, she aims to gift to someone or the other. She also has a whole packet of needles and woollen thread, which she uses to knit beautiful sweaters etc. for a new born infant in the village, rakhis and what not. She has an old Nokia phone (remember the one we could play 'Snake' on) but the network in her room is pretty much non-existent, so by the time she gets to the main corridor with better reception, the call gets disconnected, and she then waits to be called back... We got her a new touch phone, but she is way too attached to the old one, and she thinks 'old is gold', so she'd rather keep the old one itself, one that she is more familiar with. She doesn't really need much; this visit, all she asked for was a magnifying lens, to help her read better! (It's too cumbersome, to head to the opposite bank to get her eyes checked and get a new pair of reading glasses :( ) She was overjoyed, when she saw we indeed found her quite a nice piece of hand-held magnifying lens.

 

She's been there for years now, and being amongst the older people inhabiting that home, and also, thanks to her regal past, she's more like the queen in that palace of hers. She has a large heart and with her giving nature, there's no reason why she shouldn't be. There is a fixed menu each day, but she would ask them to cook special stuff as we're around. She has people from the village visiting her often, as well. Right from the village doctor, who's retired but offers his services by checking up on the old folks; the village school teachers who hold Didun in high respect; villagers who come to spend the evening there, sharing stories, life stories - most of these are sad yet true stories of young adults not having enough money for higher education, women helpers being beaten up by drunk husbands, families not being able to afford healthcare of a child born with deformities and what not. Didun helps out in whichever way she can. So today, that young adult is attending university; that woman is working at that very home, so she can be financially independent and take care of her children; that infant born with dangling upper limbs, is now a toddler, who plays with toys, with her own very hands, thanks to some pro bono work done by a hospital in Bangalore (plastic surgeons, I've had the privilege to work with as well! - Small world!)

Didun was elated that I draped sarees while I was there; infact, I even wore one, which she had hand-embroidered, inspired by some Gujarati designs that she had liked from a calendar - she had patiently transferred the intricate designs onto a red saree, for her daughter's (my mother-in-law's) wedding, 35 years ago - and here, I was - blessed with the privilege to wrap it around and Didun couldn't stop herself from showing me and the saree off to anyone and everyone who crossed our paths :D Everyone definitely went "Khoob Mishti" ("Very sweet" in Bengali), in sincere admiration of the simple yet stunning work. And the fun fact is that, Didun can still be found engrossed in knitting and what not, under the broad daylight, right until the sun sets, for then twilight marks her television series time :P 

Didun also took us around the town. She took us the old temples, and even pandals that were being set up for the upcoming Durga Puja festival. She took us to archaeological heritage sites - the Hazarduaari Palace, Imambaras (mosques), cemeteries - where Nawabs and Begums lay; and also Dutch cemeteries! Lakes were a plenty and the stories that Didun shared from her childhood and of Murshidabad legends were delightful. They were as though right out of a history book - enchanting to say the least - I've always found tales of kings and ministers, and their many wives and battles - very interesting!

We also visited the site, where once upon a time, "sati pratha" was practised, right until early 19th century. Over two centuries ago, widowed women would voluntarily (or be coerced to) kill themselves, by jumping into the funeral pyres of their (dead) husbands. Raja Ram Mohan Roy championed the cause of banning the practice and soon enough, it was deemed illegal. 

Time has been witness to many changes over its course, and though I began this blog retelling the wonderful things I got to experience and create cherishable memories around, it was to highlight the pretty much awesome time that a widowed, 80 year old woman is having at a place of her choice, a village town she considers home. Yes, she does have a son and daughter, who are both more than capable of looking after her (she is hale and hearty, and is sans any long term medications; she walks independently and does all her daily activities on her own, even today - so not like she really needs much looking after) but she prefers to stay in this peaceful, heavenly piece of land instead, away from the city noise and pollution. She prizes her freedom very significantly; she is at a place, where she can do as she pleases. More importantly, the village town brims with nostalgia for her and why should anyone be deprived of that, while going through what might essentially be the last stage of their lives. Though, years ago, I used to be very judgemental about "old age homes" and people who left their aging parents/grandparents there, this beautiful, heart-warming experience at Ananda Niketan had completely bowled me over. 

More power to homes like these, and the few people who work day in, day out, to help the old people living there. Thank you for looking after our Didun and keeping her happy. Special thanks to the watchguard dog, Bhola (shying away in the pic) who is so calm with the aged people, but can be quite a scare to strangers at the gate! Praying that they can all give each other good company, stay healthy and hearty; and that there shall be only peaceful smiles, when the sun sets...

The 6-Yard Journey

As my birthday countdown came to an end, I was in a dilemma. To continue or not - that was the question! I had realised, the blog had rekindled my liking to write, and share; so I decided to keep this space alive, by continuing to blog.

The latter half of October, we were in East-India (I should probably blog about different experiences from the trip, sometime in the near future, before my memory gets hazy!) The holiday saw me draping the 6-yard saree, pretty much every day, much to my mothers' delightful surprise!
On one of our early morning train rides, by the countryside, it serendipitously occurred to me, that the different hues of the sarees I was wearing during the trip, could actually make a rainbow: VIBGYOR!

What's even more amazing was the discovery that each day, I was in fact draping different weaves from across the country! As the train chugged towards Howrah, Kolkata, I was reeling in sheer awe and wonder.

I had also read about the #100SareePact, to revive the elegant, sensuous garment: Saree; where women across India vowed to wear Sarees a 100 times, before the sun set on NYE 2015-2016. I have only just begun on my 6-yard journey, and my collection is probably just over a quarter of a century :D But, as I researched more about these, I realised I was actually sitting on a treasure! :P
So here's showcasing the sarees I wore during my recent trip to motherland. :)

1. Cotton-silk, inspired by Kancheepuram silk sarees, from down-south

This was the first saree I draped, on my recent sojourn at Berhampore, West Bengal. In simple cotton-silk, it was uber comfortable, especially with the scorching sun overhead. I put on some pearls with a golden locket, to go with the white-stone studded golden border of the saree. Didun (Prantik's grandma went all "Bah! Khoob Mishti" at me :)
I had first worn this one at the college annual campus dinner, about 7 years ago (when my mum had driven to the hostel to help me and my close friend dress up!) I had clearly shed some weight since then;) Yes, I wore this solo! And this was only the beginning...

2. Chiffon, with Gujarati (west-India) embroidery

The next day, I chose to wear the red chiffon saree, which was hand-embroidered by Didun herself. Inspired from a Gujarati embroidery design she had seen on a calendar, she had very patiently made a carbon copy of it and translated it onto this light, simple saree, for her daughter's (my mom-in-law's) wedding, 35 years ago. And all those years later, it was passed onto her grand-daughter-in-law i.e. me, on my wedding day, and I was brimming with all the excitement, for finally getting to pose with Didun herself (who was overjoyed and couldn't stop showing me and the saree off to her friends), by the holy Ganges. Blessed moment indeed!

3. Ghicha silk, hailing from Central India

Ghicha refers to the silk derived differently from the raptured cocoon. Without going into much procedural details, the highlight of this saree was just how light it felt! As we were exploring village and tribal (Aadivasi) Durga Puja scenes at Shantiniketan, the designs on the saree were befitting if I may say so. And it even blended well, when we were amidst palatial ruins at Raipur. Beauty in forgotten glory, to behold!

4. Mekhela chador, from Assam (North-East India)

A two-piece drape, classically worn by the Assamese women; this beautiful weave has been introduced into the national saree scene and am I glad! Each saree has a colourful story nestled within the entirely hand-woven fine embroidery. And it sits in silence, beseeching the audience to appreciate and admire. Anyways, I was just amused that I could even figure out how to wear one without using YouTube or WikiHow :P I paired it with a contrasting elbow length blouse in green, which I matched with some green ear-rings, that I had picked from a random street in Bangalore as a teenager :D

My aunts were impressed that I managed to figure out how it's supposed to hug the body ... though in hindsight, I realised the pleats are supposed to be facing the right, instead of the left (unlike the usual saree) in the traditional manner of draping a Mekhela. Ah! Next time.

5. Banarasi silk, from up-north

While most South Indian bridal trousseaus are filled with primarily Kanjivaram silk sarees, I was blessed in having a beautiful and bountiful variety, including the much coveted Banarasi silk sarees! One of the wedding day sarees was in fact an off-white and sindoor red Banarasi silk. One that I hadn't worn during the wedding celebrations was a light pink one - and I chose to wear it for the Ashtami Puja. Mughal inspired designs in intricate and elaborate gold, against the fine pink silk was gorgeous, and no words can do justice to it. Specially handpicked by my in-laws, it was a saree one could fall instantly in love with, even ignoring the fact that it's quite a heavy saree to carry off! But I did so, with panache, in Mughal style ;) Why not? 

6. Shantiniketan-Batik silk saree (East India)

From Tagore-Land, this supremely light saree was a pure delight to wear. I can't believe I actually wore a saree for a casual outing to the movie theatre, but Indian festivals can push you to utopia, one that is hard to get back to ground from :D In brick-red and black designs, I absolutely loved it; I actually see myself wearing this saree more often than the other grander ones! And of course, it had a strong element of Batik, hailing from Indonesia, where I spent my entire childhood - so additional brownie points. 

7. Dhakai/Jamdani saree, from the neighbouring country-Bangladesh 

Often made in contrasting hues,  the Dhakai is a cotton weave from a part of the globe, which less than a century ago, was still part of Bengal, India. Fresh and new, the cotton saree is relatively stiff and is quite a task when you're heading out early morning. But as we were hopping across the heritage pujas across the city, I was glad I picked this one. Not too flashy, with blue-grey pearls around the neck; and an elbow length cotton blouse, this attire spelt serenity and grace all over.

8. Laal-Paar Shada Saree, of Bengal (East India)

A Durga Puja cant-do-without! Married into a Bengali household, partaking in my first Durga Puja since the wedding, I was quite excited to be wearing the traditional, Bengali style saree, in red and white, for the Sindoor Khela (where married women apply sindoor on the Goddess' forehead and then on each other, in joyful spirit). What made it even more special was that it was picked by the dear husband, on a previous trip to Kolkata. My mom-in-law obviously had to help me drape this one as (i) we were running short of time and (ii) I had no frikking idea on how it's worn! I put on the silver-brass Hindolam ear-jackets to go with the border. And well, the husband silently complimented me by staring at me open-mouthed ;) So mission accomplished :D

9. Mysore silk, from down south again

This absolute beauty caresses the skin like none other. A gem from Mysore, these mulberry silk sarees are heavenly simple, without elaborate designs over the body. The pallu boasts of royal floral designs, and it's one of the easier sarees to drape and strut around; which is why I chose to wear it during the pre-wedding period and also, this trip during Maa's birthday celebration at home, when I was slightly under the weather; the saree was kind and comforting in its own smooth way.

10. Chiffon saree, designer-waale, or not, from Commercial Street, Bangalore :P

I had picked this non-conventional hue for my college farewell ceremony. I remember my best friend giving me a disapproving laugh when I told her I had picked yellow, of all colours! But in the end, the saree was in fact perfect for that night. Just like it was for a dear friend's pre-wedding, Sangeet night in Gurgaon, Delhi. Best kind of stuff to rock and roll and do some 'thumkas' in :D

11. Another chiffon saree, my first online buy - I've no idea where it's from :D

This was my first trial with online shopping for sarees and I was quite satisfied with the product. My dear mom helped me stitch a blouse for it, despite her mad packing schedule. I wore it in record 5 minutes! While Prantik was rushing to get his turban tied! Haha! Some sarees have stories woven over them, some have memories strung around them - this was clearly the latter. A warm moonlit night, reliving our own wedding, almost 11 months ago and enjoying some soulful music, while witnessing good friends tying the knot, in holy matrimony. 

And thus, with that saree, our Durga Puja trip came to an end. Every day was a new experience, a new memory. And with every new saree I wore, I created a new cherishable memory around it, enough to last me for this lifetime. I don't know when and where I'll wear sarees this often, in the future. All I know is the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step (or in the saree context, the chronicle of a #100sarees begins with a few!) And I've taken mine! It's been a pleasurable journey of discovery, thus far. Can't wait to keep adding to the collection, more hues, more weaves, more stories...