Bubbles

He asked for water, we gave him a sip, enough to wet his lips...

When I close my eyes, his still eyes haunt me; his family wailing, their voices still echo in my ears. We did everything we could, but we couldn't save his life. Worse still, we couldn't figure out what resulted in his unexpected death. Just a few minutes ago, he was throwing his drunken limbs around, a few cuts across his lips, a few bruises over his chest and extremities sustained after self-skidding from his motorbike; he wasn't visibly bleeding from anywhere. The ultrasound didn't show any visible internal bleeding either. His parameters weren't too abnormal. And then all of sudden, his heart wasn't beating right. He wasn't breathing. There was no pulse. We started chest compressions. We shocked him. We gave him the requisite drugs to resuscitate him. We did all we could. And yet, in a moment, life had left from his body. And no matter how hard we fought, Lord Yama (considered as the Lord of Death, as per Hindu mythology) had wielded his power. And thus, a person in his prime of life, ceased to exist... Just as suddenly as a bubble burst.

While working in Emergency Medicine, we are faced with probably the highest number of sudden deaths. While many are expected deaths, the ones that are the toughest to deal with are the ones that strike out of the blue. It is obviously tough on the family and near&dear ones. I can't even imagine what the parent and elder siblings were going through. Having to break the news that their family member is at the brink of death, is definitely not an easy process either. They are hit by the strongest sense of denial that is so hard to refute. Keeping at par with the Kübler-Ross model, it is soon followed by anger - at that moment, it is directed at the healthcare personnel, more often than not; bordering on helplessness of course. They then bargain and ask us to "do something", despite us reiterating that we have and we are doing everything in our capacity.... Often, it helps to just be by their side, perhaps. Standing in silence. While the family tries to wake their lifeless family member, all attempts in vain. We let them have their privacy, as it gradually sinks in and an overwhelming sense of depression overcomes them all. It's contagious even. Doctors and other healthcare personnel are not thick skinned, as the world out there tends to believe. We grieve the loss of our patients as well; only less visibly perhaps. Finally, before the body (not a person/patient anymore) is transferred to the mortuary, a fleeting not-so-firm sense of acceptance has to set in sometime for how else would they inform other members of the family of the accident, unless they had accepted, at some level, that their loved one was no more. 

There's silence and screaming. There's denial and acceptance. There's hopelessness and faith. There's frustration and calm. There're tears and prayers. Death throws contrasting aspects of life, right at us. It confuses and yet, gives us perspective.

The week also saw, Guruji at HK. And as he guided a short mediation session, which Pran and I could fortunately live-stream; he answered quite a few questions but the common thread that he stressed was to realise that our lives are short and impermanent. It's troubling to live in fear but it's important to understand this very truth of our mortal lives and thus, learn to focus on the important things in life. We should fret less or better, sweat not over the small things; soon, we'll see most of the things we worry about are indeed "small things". 

The Asthavakra Gita talks about how 'we are not the doers'. Such a powerful teaching. If one were to visualise, each of us, as puppets, in the hands of a higher force. Not to say, we are completely out of control. Our deeds are our own - adding to our karma. So, 'not being the doer' ≠ not doing anything. But I guess, at times like these, it's always helpful to acknowledge an unknown, unseen Force at work. Doctors, are not Gods; they are merely instruments of His Love #terms and conditions apply#

The week that started at the ocean, with the waves lapping against my feet, as the sun set, ended thus at the shore of spiritual awakening. As a person, as a doctor, as a living creature on this planet, a speck of dust in the Universe, there's so much to learn, so much more to do... And each day, each week, life only teaches me more. And I blow some more bubbles, again... 

A week face to face with mortality.

A week of haunting screams and silence.

A week of sunsets, forever and new sunrises.

T-7wks